RETIEF OF THE RED-TAPE MOUNTAIN
by KEITH LAUMER
Retief knew the importance of sealed
orders—and the need to keep them that way!
[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
Worlds of If Science Fiction, May 1962.
Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
"It's true," Consul Passwyn said, "I requested assignment as principalofficer at a small post. But I had in mind one of those charming resortworlds, with only an occasional visa problem, or perhaps a distressedspaceman or two a year. Instead, I'm zoo-keeper to these confoundedsettlers. And not for one world, mind you, but eight!" He stared glumlyat Vice-Consul Retief.
"Still," Retief said, "it gives an opportunity to travel—"
"Travel!" the consul barked. "I hate travel. Here in this backwatersystem particularly—" He paused, blinked at Retief and cleared histhroat. "Not that a bit of travel isn't an excellent thing for ajunior officer. Marvelous experience."
He turned to the wall-screen and pressed a button. A system triagramappeared: eight luminous green dots arranged around a larger diskrepresenting the primary. He picked up a pointer, indicating theinnermost planet.
"The situation on Adobe is nearing crisis. The confounded settlers—amere handful of them—have managed, as usual, to stir up trouble withan intelligent indigenous life form, the Jaq. I can't think why theybother, merely for a few oases among the endless deserts. However Ihave, at last, received authorization from Sector Headquarters totake certain action." He swung back to face Retief. "I'm sending youin to handle the situation, Retief—under sealed orders." He pickedup a fat buff envelope. "A pity they didn't see fit to order theTerrestrial settlers out weeks ago, as I suggested. Now it is too late.I'm expected to produce a miracle—a rapprochement between Terrestrialand Adoban and a division of territory. It's idiotic. However, failurewould look very bad in my record, so I shall expect results."
He passed the buff envelope across to Retief.
"I understood that Adobe was uninhabited," Retief said, "until theTerrestrial settlers arrived."
"Apparently, that was an erroneous impression." Passwyn fixed Retiefwith a watery eye. "You'll follow your instructions to the letter. In adelicate situation such as this, there must be no impulsive, impromptuelement introduced. This approach has been worked out in detail atSector. You need merely implement it. Is that entirely clear?"
"Has anyone at Headquarters ever visited Adobe?"
"Of course not. They all hate travel. If there are no other questions,you'd best be on your way. The mail run departs the dome in less thanan hour."
"What's this native life form like?" Retief asked, getting to his feet.
"When you get back," said Passwyn, "you tell me."
The mail pilot, a leathery veteran with quarter-inch whiskers, spattoward a stained corner of the compartment, leaned close to the screen.
"They's shootin' goin' on down there," he said. "See them white puffsover the edge of the desert?"
"I'm supposed to be preventing the war," said Retief. "It looks likeI'm a little late."
The pilot's head snapped around. "War?" he yelped. "Nobody told me theywas a war goin' on on 'Dobe. If that's what that is, I'm gettin' out ofhere."
"Hold on," said Retief. "I've got to get down. They won't shoot at you."
"They shore won't, sonny. I ain't givin' 'em the chance." He startedpunching