E-text prepared by Matt Whittaker, Malcolm Farmer,
and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team
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PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
VOL. 146.
March 11, 1914.
Curate (forte). "... to have-and-to-hold."
Bridegroom (deaf). "Eh?"
Curate (fortissimo). "TO—HAVE—AND—TO—HOLD."
Bridegroom. "To 'ave and to 'old."
Curate. "FROM—THIS—DAY—FORWARD."
Bridegroom. "Till this day fortnight!"
CHARIVARIA.
A contemporary describes one ofthe deported Nine as the Brain of theparty. This is a distinction which justeluded Mr. Bain.
The Admiralty has decided that, inthe place of the grand manœuvres thisyear, there shall be a surprise mobilisation.Last year's manœuvres were, webelieve, something of a fiasco, but toensure the success of the surprise mobilisationfive months' previous notice isgiven.
"Every man," says the Bishop ofLondon, "must be his own Columbusand find the continent of truth." Thisis the first time that we had heardAmerica called the continent of truth,and one wonders where the presentfashion of flattery is going to end.
We read that a Russian writernamed Lunatcharsky has been expelledfrom Germany. Is it possible that heis a relative of Mr. Max Beerbohm'sfriend Kolniyatchi?
At the Grand Military Meeting atSandown Park, two young millionairesfigured as amateur jockeys. We understandnow the meaning of the expression"putting money on a horse."
"Futurist frocks," we are told, werea feature of the Chelsea Arts Club ball.Just as in these days "Fancy Dress"often seems to mean that the dress isleft to the fancy, Futurist frocks, wepresume, are frocks that may appearin the future.
An American journalist has beenpointing out how London lags behindother great cities in the matter of shop-windowdressing. There would seemto be no limit to our decadence. Evenour shop-windows are inadequatelyclothed.
A meeting has been held at Kingstonto consider the possibility of providing"some counter attraction" for theyoung people who frequent the streetson Sunday evenings. Seeing that mostof them are at the counter during theweek—you catch the idea?
"Monkey nuts are dangerous," saidDr. Round at an inquest last week.Judging by the mild-looking specimensone sees walking about in the streetsappearances are certainly deceptive.
A contemporary, by the way, propoundsthe question: Why does the"nut" always wear his headgear onthe back of his head? This custom iscertainly queer, for, if he really caredabout his personal appearance, hewould wear the hat over his face.
We regret to learn that an attemptto teach a modern Office Boy mannershas failed. A friend of ours met hisOffice Boy in the street, and the ladmerely nodded to him. To shame himthe Master raised his hat with mocksolemnity, at which the lad said,"That's all right, but you needn't doit."...