by Mark Twain [Sameul Clemens]
[*] Did not take the prize.
Observe, I do not mean to suggest that the custom of lying hassuffered any decay or interruption—no, for the Lie, as a Virtue, APrinciple, is eternal; the Lie, as a recreation, a solace, a refuge intime of need, the fourth Grace, the tenth Muse, man's best and surestfriend, is immortal, and cannot perish from the earth while this clubremains. My complaint simply concerns the decay of the art of lying.No high-minded man, no man of right feeling, can contemplate thelumbering and slovenly lying of the present day without grieving to seea noble art so prostituted. In this veteran presence I naturally enterupon this theme with diffidence; it is like an old maid trying to teachnursery matters to the mothers in Israel. It would not become to me tocriticise you, gentlemen—who are nearly all my elders—and mysuperiors, in this thing—if I should here and there seem to do it, Itrust it will in most cases be more in a spirit of admiration thanfault-finding; indeed if this finest of the fine arts had everywherereceived the attention, the encouragement, and conscientious practiceand development which this club has devoted to it, I should not need toutter this lament, or shed a single tear. I do not say this to flatter:I say it in a spirit of just and appreciative recognition. [It had beenmy intention, at this point, to mention names and to give illustrativespecimens, but indications observable about me admonished me to bewareof the particulars and confine myself to generalities.]
No fact is more firmly established than that lying is a necessity of ourcircumstances—the deduction that it is then a Virtue goes withoutsaying. No virtue can reach its highest usefulness without careful anddiligent cultivation—therefore, it goes without saying that this oneought to be taught in the public schools—even in the newspapers. Whatchance has the ignorant uncultivated liar against the educated expert?What chance have I against Mr. Per—against a lawyer? Judicious lyingis what the world needs. I sometimes think it were even better and safernot to lie at all than to lie injudiciously. An awkward, unscientificlie is often as ineffectual as the truth.
Now let us see what the philosophers say. Note that venerable proverb:Children and fools always speak the truth. The deduction is plain—adults and wise persons never speak it. Parkman, the historian, says,"The principle of truth may itself be carried into an absurdity." Inanother place in the same chapters he says, "The saying is old thattruth should not be spoken at all times; and those whom a sickconscience worries into habitual violation of the maxim are imbecilesand nuisances." It is strong language, but true. None of us could livewith an habitual truth-teller; but thank goodness none of us has to. Anhabitual truth-teller is simply an impossible creature; he does notexist; he never has existed. Of course there are people who think theynever lie, but it is not so—and this ignorance is one of the verythings that shame our so-called civilization. Everybody lies—every day;every hour; awake; asleep; in his dreams; in his joy; in his mourning;if he keeps his tongue still, his hands, his feet, his eyes, hisattitude, will convey deception—and purposely. Even in sermons—butthat is a platitude.
In a far country where I once lived the ladies used to go around payingcalls, under the humane and kindly