E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, David King,
and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team
()
PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Vol. 150.
January 5, 1916.
The Whitefriars Press."
RESOLUTIONS.
I will not breakfast in my bed
With downy cushions at my head;
That would be very wrong—and so
Away the eggs and bacon go!
I will not read in bed at night
And burn the dear electric light;
Nor buy another costly hat;
Oh no! I'm much too good for that.
But I will rise before the dawn
And weed and cut and roll the lawn;
My border I will plant with veg,
Abundantly from hedge to hedge.
And all the day I'll practise thrift
And no more happily will drift
In deeper debt, as once, alas!
—But what an awful year I'll pass.
The Art of Sinking.
"Altogether we sank one gunboat, fivesteamers (one of 3,000 tons), and 17 largesailing ships, three trains, and one railwayembankment."—Manchester Guardian.
Very Light Marching Order.
From a notice issued to recruitsfor the New Zealand ExpeditionaryForce:—
"You should report wearing a pair of serviceableboots, and bring with you your toiletoutfit—no additional clothing is required."
"In a conversation with members of thePress Mr. Ford said now was the time forpeace on the basis of the status quo anti bellum.
Scotch Paper.
He always spells it that way.
AN ILL-USED AUTHOR.
"I gather, Sir," remarked my fellow-traveller, after Ihad put away the writing-block on which I had beenjotting down the outline of an article, "that you are aliterary man, like myself?"
We were the only occupants of a compartment in aL. & N. W. R. carriage. I had been too absorbed till thento notice his appearance, but I now observed that he hadrather unkempt hair, luminous eyes, and a soft hat. "Oh,well," I admitted, "I write."
"But I take it that, whatever you write, it is not poetry,"he said. What led him to this inference I cannot say, butI had to confess that it was correct.
"Still, even though you are not a Poet yourself, I hope,"he said, "you can feel some sympathy for one who hasbeen so infamously treated as I have."
I replied that I hoped so too.
"Then, Sir," said he, "I will tell you my unhappy story.At the beginning of this War I was app